Third person test.

It was after the end of year tests at school, and the 8th grade was celebrating with a lively party.

Kyle Peterson had brought a delicious apple pie he made himself, to match the party, and hopefully get him more attention. The problem was, that his competitive classmate, who he hated, had decided to come to the party too. Gary Grey- the classmate -was a geek. He studied so much a day, that he had no time for teenager stuff. He also liked to rub stuff in peoples faces, so Kyle wasn't surprised when Gary came up to him and his friend Charlie, and say,

"I don't mean to brag, buuuuut . . . I got 100 percentage on my final exams."

"Wow, big surprise," Charlie said.

Gary, still grinning at Kyle, said, "You're just jealous because my brain is way more efficient than yours."

"Oh come on," Kyle said in an impatient voice, "Just go get married and get it over with."

Gary looked dumbfounded for a second, like whenever someone teased him or tricked him. He stood there for a minute that could have equalled an hour, and then finally said, "Is that supposed to be an insult or compliment?"

"No, no, no," Kyle said in mock disagreement, "that was an insult,. . . this is a compliment - "

Kyle picked up his pie, still in the pan, and smacked it into Gary's face.


CC please. I'm not so great with third person, so I hope this looked good.

N T wrote:

"You're just jealous because my brain is way more efficient than yours."

Uh
What is t-
Wha

The story wasn't badly written, but it really wasn't that interesting. Not because of the topic it was about, but the way you wrote it. It usually comes with practice, though.

it was okay, not great, but okay. I mea, that a sixth-grader could write this and turn it in to his teacher for an A, but not worth the internet. Not that it's bad, or you are, but the topic is unappealing. the characters seemed stiffy and floppy and the action was wierd. All in all, you should try more suspensful writing, because from the story, you built up to one big event, and then let the reader have it. Try writing a detective horror story or something. cheers.

Not bad, but some of the words used didn't make sense at all. I could get a vague idea about what the ending was going to be about. Excellent use of foreshadowing. All in all, this was pretty fun to read.