| | Just a short paragraph |  |
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Flood
Member
Posts : 67
LS points : 16569
Join date : 2009-09-09
Location : In your mother
|  Subject: Just a short paragraph  Fri Sep 11, 2009 12:07 am | |
| I could hear its footsteps. It was getting closer. I dove under a red truck. Atleast I thought it was red. It was so dark with the black out I couldn't see anything. I heard it breathing. It was right next to the truck. I rolled out the other side, and suddenly I heard it smash against the truck, I sprinted down the street as fast as it could, I turned around to look, and it jerked its head up and saw me. It was ugly. It had brown crusty dead skin. Its face looked like it was cooked in an oven. The scariest part of it, was it had big menacing, glowing yellow eyes. It stared right at me for a second, then suddenly it jumped clear over the truck. Over it! How could anything jump so high? It landed on all four and sprinted toward me. I've never seen a faster animal in all of my life. Not even on television. It kicked up dirt as it ran through peoples yards. It was three houses away from me. It was on top of me in seconds. It tore at my stomach, I didn't feel pain. I was in shock, I just laid there and waited to die. I did. | |
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N T
Admin
Posts : 126
LS points : 16682
Join date : 2009-09-08
Location : Under your bed
| | Subject: Re: Just a short paragraph Fri Sep 11, 2009 1:22 am | |
| I wouldn't really call this a "Story" but, it's cool. | |
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Flood
Member
Posts : 67
LS points : 16569
Join date : 2009-09-09
Location : In your mother
| | Subject: Re: Just a short paragraph Fri Sep 11, 2009 9:52 am | |
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N T
Admin
Posts : 126
LS points : 16682
Join date : 2009-09-08
Location : Under your bed
| | Subject: Re: Just a short paragraph Fri Sep 11, 2009 1:21 pm | |
| - Flood wrote:
- It was so dark with the black out I couldn't see anything.
I didn't understand this part. - Flood wrote:
- I rolled out the other side
or this - Flood wrote:
- and suddenly I heard it smash against the truck, I sprinted down the street as fast as it could
didn't really understand this much either, but I bet it's just a typo, amirite? | |
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Flood
Member
Posts : 67
LS points : 16569
Join date : 2009-09-09
Location : In your mother
| | Subject: Re: Just a short paragraph Fri Sep 11, 2009 10:48 pm | |
| 1.
I was stating that in the story all the electricity was out because there is a "black out"
2.
He rolled to the opposite side of the truck from where the monster was.
3.
Urite. | |
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Beefy
Junior Member
Posts : 45
LS points : 16516
Join date : 2009-09-19
Location : A hot chick's pants
| | Subject: Re: Just a short paragraph Sun Sep 20, 2009 1:32 pm | |
| overall, its good. all you would need to do is just elaborate a bit on the idea and you might perfect it. The story itself was kinda meh, but the end really threw me off. | |
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Hiccups
Junior Member
Posts : 19
LS points : 16460
Join date : 2009-09-29
Location : :noitacoL
| | Subject: Re: Just a short paragraph Tue Sep 29, 2009 6:56 am | |
| This is rather interesting. The ending was quite realistic, but I think it was a bit too early to conclude it. I'd consider writing an actual story and inserting this paragraph somewhere into it because it truly is awesome. This paragraph placed some exceptionally intricate images into my mind and that's what I like about it the most. | |
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Beefy
Junior Member
Posts : 45
LS points : 16516
Join date : 2009-09-19
Location : A hot chick's pants
| | Subject: Re: Just a short paragraph Wed Sep 30, 2009 9:24 am | |
| good, but would work in a story. kinda irrelevant just the way it is. | |
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Flood
Member
Posts : 67
LS points : 16569
Join date : 2009-09-09
Location : In your mother
| | Subject: Re: Just a short paragraph Wed Sep 30, 2009 12:23 pm | |
| Can you move this to the paragraph section, N T.
:L | |
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| | Just a short paragraph | |
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